The Phantom Goes to Hell in Shanghai: Day 7

Katherine sent her driver (Zheng) to pick me up and take me to the knockoff market (I love when my friend's work perks become my vacation perks. There is NO WAY I could navigate this megatropolis alone!) Zheng drops me off and says to meet him back at 3pm (he doesn't speak a lick of English and I don't speak a lick of Chinese, so this was all communicated by hand gestures and talking really loudly at each other in our respective languages, as if that helped with comprehension.) I step out of the car and Zheng drives off (I'LL MEET HIM RIGHT HERE AT THREE!!!) In front of me is a massive building with a sign that says it is the Science and Technology Center. Did Zheng drop me at the wrong place? I can't imagine they sell Louis Vitton purses here. I walk up the steps to its doors and they are locked. OMG. What now? The place looks empty and there is no one around. Maybe it's on the other side of this massive building? I start to walk around the building, looking for any signs of life. I have until "THREE! THREE RIGHT HERE!" to figure this out. Then, suddenly, like a Chinese angel from the heavens above, a woman descends upon me out of nowhere asking if I am looking for the shops. Yes!!! Yes, I am!!! She walks briskly towards me and says, "This way, lady." "Oh thank you! Thank you so much! I would have never found this place!" I love this woman! As we walk and walk and walk, I follow her down down down... and further down into the bowels of hell. Into the underbelly of the streets where I am certain that bad things happen. Is she luring me into some sex-trafficking ring? Will this be my last time I see the light of day? Where the hell is she taking me!?!? I just want to buy a cheap purse! The underground eventually leads to a labyrinth of shops. Yay, shops! But the lady keeps walking past all the shops. Wait! What!? This is what I want! I'm all set! Thanks for your help! WHY ARE WE STILL WALKING!?!? I feel indebted to this woman for showing me the way, but now I have become her captive. She keeps making me follow her. I JUST WANT TO SHOP! After walking past MANY shops selling purses, shoes, clothes, watches, sunglasses, tee-shirts, she takes me into a purse shop (like the MILLION other purse shops we already walked past!) and delivers me to a sales lady. FINALLY! "What kind of purse you want, lady? Coach? Channel? Louis Vitton?" I tell her that there is a specific Louis Vitton I want (I've wanted it for years but can't justify spending $2000 on a purse. I'd rather use that money to travel :) ). After some looking around the Louis Vitton area, I'm not seeing what I want. "How about a wallet!? You want wallet!? How 'bout Coach purse, lady? How 'bout this Louis Vitton!?" No, I know what I want. I describe it to her and she tells me they don't have the shiny ones. DAMNIT! Well, thanks anyway. I'll just go look around some more on my own... Just then, my captor reappears. She and another man speak in Chinese and now I am being dragged to another place. "This way, lady!" Again we walk and walk and walk, I am now like a well-trained dog following its owner off-leash. I could escape, but I don't know how. It's like that Stockholm syndrome. After many turns down halls in the labyrinth, we arrive at a children's clothing shop. My captor's cohort looks around to see if anyone is looking, then opens a secret door on the children's clothing wall that leads into a room about the size of my walk-in closet. There are already about 20 people crammed into it. And these people are from all over the world...including people from countries where they don't wear deodorant. My captors have thrown me into this small, hot box with no air flow with the rest of their prisoners who stink to high heaven. To add insult to injury, this torture closet has even less inventory than the last place, plus there's no room to move! These people are crazy! I must figure out a way to escape! But suddenly, like a beacon in the night, my beautiful, shiny, dark purple Louis appears on a shelf behind me. YIPPEE!!!! I can't believe it! I finally found you, you beautiful thing! I tell the sales lady that I have what I want, but they insist I look for a second purse, or maybe a wallet. So now I am trapped in the hot stench box of horrors feeling like I can't leave until I find another thing to purchase. At the wallets wall, a man lets me scoot past him so I can get a better look. That was nice until I was right behind his wife whose pits where enough to make me weak in the knees from the smell. That's a different kind of stink. Please, lord, help me to hold my breath long enough to find a wallet without passing out. My prayer is not answered, and I finally give up and tell the saleslady that I just want the purse. My captor is never far. She steps in and tries to "help" me find something I might want to buy after I say I'm not finding anything else I want: You like this one? Very good quality! How 'bout this one? You like? It's very nice, lady!" Nope. I'm done. Breathing is more important at this point. So I'm ready to pay. I HATE this part. Some people love haggling but I hate it. So I tell the sales lady I just want the one purse. She shows me how much. I say no way. She says it's good quality real leather very good price how much you think you should pay. Now I have to counter her super high offer but I have no idea what a fair price is. I don't want to get laughed out of the top secret hot box of torture. I open my phone app that converts RMB to US dollars and show her my counter offer. I didn't even want to pay her THaT much but I'm worried about offending her! What's my problem!? I hate this! I feel like I'm personally insulting her or stealing food from her family's table! We end up going back and forth and she keeps telling me what a great deal I'm getting it's real leather it's quality purse what's my best offer. I like you, lady, I give you good price. When we finally settle on a price, she tells me afterwards that I also have to pay 5% extra for using my credit card. And now that I have handed over the card, she hands it over to my captor who hands it to a third dude and now we are on the move again. They whisk me out of the secret hot box of stench and torture, down the labyrinth of halls--walking walking walking-- to our final destination where I pay for the purse in another tiny little shop. And that was just the beginning of my "THREE HOURS! RIGHT HERE! THREE!" I'll spare you the sordid details of the rest of my experience. I think we have both suffered enough. The good news is, I GOT MY DAMN PURSE!!!